Growing up with ADHD

“I can’t believe I did that. I’m just so stupid!””

“I should have been able to finish this assignment on time.

I’m such a disappointment.”

This picture has several examples of messages individuals with ADHD often hear when they are not able to meet the expectations placed upon them due to their executive function deficits. These messages can contribute to the development of low self-esteem and toxic shame.

Individuals at every age have expectations placed upon them, which outline acceptable:

• standards of behaviour
• levels of achievement.

These expectations can come from parents, teachers, employers, colleagues, partners, friends and society in general (as well as from the individual themselves). They can also vary depending on the situation involved. For example, rules that govern behaviour at home often differ from those that govern behaviour in the classroom. Additionally, different families tend to have different rules and routines.

Unfortunately, due to their poor executive function control, it is not uncommon for individuals with ADHD to regularly struggle to meet the expectations placed upon them. For example, a child with ADHD may frequently break classroom etiquette by interrupting their teacher, a teenager with ADHD may experience rejection and isolation due to their emotional outbursts or an adult with ADHD may regularly arrive late for work due to time management and organization difficulties which may prevent them from being considered for promotion.

As a result, individuals with ADHD often:

• feel frustrated, embarrassed, humiliated, demoralized and discouraged from failing over and over again despite their best efforts
• find themselves being subjected to constant correction, redirection, criticism (and possibly social rejection and isolation) from others
• come to anticipate or predict they will fail again in the near future, resulting in anxiety and avoidance.

According to Barkley (2015) by the time they reach adulthood, most individuals with ADHD “have suffered years of feeling demoralized, discouraged and ineffective because of a long-standing history of frustration and failures in school, work, family, social, and daily adaptive domains. Many report a chronic and deep-seated sense of underachievement and intense frustration over squandered opportunities and are at a loss to explain why they cannot seem to translate their obvious assets into more positive outcomes.”

Years of failure and constant negative criticism have a significant negative impact on an individual with ADHD’s self-esteem and self-worth, as well as their confidence and willingness to try and meet the expectations placed upon them. It can also lead to the development of toxic shame.

The shame experienced by individuals with ADHD encompasses feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonour and/or regret as well as the belief they are is fundamentally different, flawed, and/or inadequate.

Shame makes the individual with ADHD want to withdraw and hide or lash out and punish/hurt others. It also increases the risk of developing defiant behaviour, anxiety and depression, an eating disorder, drug use, self-harm and suicide (Cunha et al., 2017).

Protecting a child, adolescent or adult with ADHD’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth is, therefore, a vitally important part of ensuring their well-being. As is fostering in them the protective traits of self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-compassion.

Taken from: https://thrivingwithadhd.com.au/self-esteem/

How to overcome it

• Practice self-compassion: Engage in activities you enjoy and try to be kind to yourself.
• Focus on your strengths: Try to identify your unique talents and strengths.
• Build social support: Connect with people and animals and consider talking to a therapist or coach.
• Develop your skills: Work on improving your skills and abilities.
• Create a routine: Try to maintain a consistent sleep schedule and eat regularly.
• Take care of yourself: Minimize alcohol and caffeine and try to exercise regularly.